When Everything Becomes Real
There’s a moment when everything quietly shifts.
Up until then, there are conversations, letters, plans, and phrases that don’t quite land, and always plenty of leaflets full of advice and expectations. But then the appointments start to stack up. Dates appear in your calendar. Departments have names. Rooms have chairs. And suddenly, this isn’t something that’s going to happen — it’s happening, its real.
My first chemotherapy appointment marked the start of that reality. Not dramatic. Not how films show it. Just real.
THE BUILD-UP FEELS HEAVIER THAN THE DAY ITSELF
Before the first chemo, there’s often more waiting than doing. Waiting for times. Waiting for results. Waiting for the next letter or phone call. Waiting while your mind fills in the gaps with worst-case scenarios.
I noticed how tiring that was — not physically, but mentally.
WALKING INTO THE APPOINTMENT
Walking into my first chemo appointment didn’t feel heroic. It felt more like your first day at high school.
There was a lot of observing — the room, the sounds, the people, the rhythm of it all.
I remember thinking: So this is me actually about to have CHEMOTHERAPY!!
There’s a quiet strength around cancer to “stay positive” , positivity becomes your go to feeling. My only experiences of chemo was in the movies. Patients laying in bed, wasting away with no hair and no strength. I walked in to a room where nurses were singing, everyone was happy, music on the radio, sandwiches and coffee.
You don’t have to feel hopeful. You don’t have to feel strong. You don’t have to feel grateful. You just have to turn up.
THINGS THAT HELPED ME
Wearing something soft and familiar, I wore my “comfy colours” but layered so I could cope with the alternating hot and cold moments.
Bringing familier items. I had my chemo bag with my water bottle, my head phones, a packet of squishies (the only chewy sweet that re hydrated my dry mouth) my laptop.
Letting myself rest afterwards without guilt. This was something I was actually looking forward to but I was so pumped with steroids there was no way I could concentrate on reading or writing. But a comfy chair and some naps were on an as and when basis and definately needed.
Writing things down when my thoughts felt crowded. Ive always loved writing but never journaled until now. I tapped the notes out on my laptop or phone so i could always look back on my journey.
I think the night before was one of the longest , I can honestly say that I didnt sleep much at all, the following night was very similar as I was waiting for symptoms, high on steroids and trying to drink as much water as I physically could so i could rinse my body of the evil life saving liquid they had pumped into me.
I sat in my chair, went through all my details , confirmed everything. Then it was canular time. This has always been an issue as my viens have never responded well to needles. I saw the tray with a huge tube of red liquid that would be sirynged through with drip bags of saline and steroids. I was told I might get a metallic taste in my mouth and for sure as soon as the red stuff went in in the taste happened. Rather than watching the treatment and listening to the “chemo bleep” on the machine I chose to engage in conversation with the nurse and avoid the reality of what was happening.
I took my cocktail of tablets, injections and leaflets home with me and made sure to write exactly what to take and when. The nurse helped with this as some were taken post chemo, some pre next chemo. my injections were daily for 5 days through a similar thing to an epi pen. I had to hav a sharps bin, make sure I didnt share a toilet. I came out of my first session and felt quite good. No imediate issues and one full treatment down, but five to go.
The only way I can explain chemo to people is comparing it to your worst hang over. I also have to add that I was extremenly lucky in that I had no adverse reactions, no temperature or reason for hospitilastion and I had the most wonderful friend who literally “mothered” me through my whole treatments. She encouraged me to eat as much green stuff as i physically could, to walk 8 to 10k steps every day , to drink, to rest, she was exactly what I needed to get through this.
The things they dont tell you in the leaflets. Its not just your hair falling out, the follicals hurt like when your hair needs washing and you brush it the wrong way. The hairs up your nose go so dust and sneezes and runny nose is constant. No eye lashes or eye brows so again itchy eyes from dust as there are no lashes to protect. Finger and toe nails become sore and loose. I was lucky I kept my finger nails but they are now like paper and next to useless. My toe nails went black then lifted. Thankfully they have all grown back as normal except one big toe nail, its still black and very raised. My teeth also took a chemo battering, My dentist was not able to do any treatment while I was on chemo . I never had the best teeth to start with but now I have a full mouth of exposed roots and Im needing 11 extractions . A very sore tongue which luckily i had mouth wash prescribed for. My viens took the battering and I have been told they will recover , I am ever hopeful.
I did a countdown of every treatment and one by one with my three weeks off in between each visit I finally got to ring the bell. Something I was suprisingly emotional in doing. I chose to do it , not as a ring of confidence or winning the battle but as a type of closure to the first item on the list of treatments in my “cancer menu”.